The past, the future, the present.
There’s differences between me and her. She gets scared of the future, while I tackle it on, the best I can. She gets scared she’s running out of time, while I see years and years ahead of us. I guess we just think differently sometimes. My memory of when I was small is very scarce, I don’t remember a lot of things I did, or said. Instead, I remember very few days, riding my bike with my sister, pretending a little button that was on it was my turbo to go faster. I remember playing soccer with my friend Kevin, and doing random stuff. I remember playing video games with my brother, helping him fix his car. You may have noticed, but none of those memories are with my parents. But, point being is in those moments I remember, I didn’t care about the future, what I was going to do tomorrow, or the next day, I lived in the moment. To be honest, there’s a huge gap of my life missing to me, I remember things from when I was a small kid (4-7), like the ones I listed above, but it then skips to me being 12+. I guess I can call those ‘Jason’s MIA Years.’ But what I remember about being 12, is pretty much what I am today. I’m not as happy as I was when I was smaller, not as enthusiastic about things, excited, it’s as if a spark burned out while in my MIA Years. I feel much older than what I should feel like. I’m getting pressured to work and make my own money already, pay rent possibly.. you know, provide for myself. I’m 17, I should be excited to go out and do things, anything, but I don’t. Weird thing is, I don’t mind working. Truth be told, working isn’t that bad, I’d much rather go to work than to school. But what bothers me is that thing my family always does. If I really want to, if I know I have to, I will work my ass off, and I will get a job done, but for some reason, my family doesn’t think that’s good enough. Nothing I do ever has been. I try and help my brother sometimes, and instead of being nice and teaching me, he just points out everything I do wrong, when in fact, I don’t even have to be there, I do it because I care, because I feel like I owe him something. I guess, sometimes, all I need is a little recognition, something I hardly ever get. Just because I’m good with electronics and whatnot, people expect things from me, and it’s so annoying. Sometimes I don’t have time, sometimes I’m busy, sometimes I just don’t feel well, but there goes everyone, asking, asking, asking.. and there goes me, giving, giving, giving. I don’t expect anything in return, I really don’t. I just hate how people expect me to help, rather than ask for my help. But anyway, going back on topic. Truth is, I don’t know exactly what I want to do in the future, I know I love computers, designing, developing, coding, etc. but I like working on cars, too. But I don’t feel pressured to make a choice, to know what I want to do. And this is the thing I’m getting at. People will tell you that you need to pick what you want to do fast, to go to school so you can get a good job, to get paid more, to do a lot of things. But tell me this. Is it worth it? Picking something to do so fast, that in the future you may not like it, and being stuck in a job with it because there’s nothing else you can do? Having to go into a job you hate everyday? I don’t see the point in rushing. I’d much rather take my time, experience things, think about things I like and try them out. Because quite frankly, I’d much rather have a job I love that doesn’t get paid a whole lot, than a job I hate, and getting paid billions. I guess my point is, people will pester you and tell you to grow up, they’ll tell you what to do, and how to do it, they’ll tell you to hurry, because you’re running out of time, they’ll tell you a lot of things.. but I don’t believe in that. You can’t just jump into something randomly, people can’t expect you to do your best on something you’re not even sure you want. You have to find something you enjoy, something you’re passionate about, something that when you talk about it, people can tell you like it. And finding something like that, it takes time. Time which you have. I’m not saying wait it out until you find that. I’m saying work, go to school, do whatever you’re going to do, but do not have a full-on solid plan until you find that something you love to do. Have a flexible plan, with options, just so you gain experience, because that something you love is out there, and you’ll find it, but there’s no need to rush. There is time, there’s no need to look ahead so much, just have a small little plan, nothing more, nothing less. The future is only scary because it is unknown, but you can map it out a little, and hope for the best, let go of the rest. Enjoy the days you have, the moments you’re happy, and don’t let your mind wonder off, because there’s nothing better than those moments that you can look back to and say, that was a great day. The more you get scared and think of the future, the more those moments slip away. So have fun, experience new things.. never let that little kid version of you die, because we all need to be little kids sometimes. And the most important thing, don’t be scared, don’t overthink, just don’t.. come what may.